Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Saga of the Coconut Tree




A hundred years and several lifetimes ago before the age of global warming and mobile telephones, we had feet and guns and things that go bang when lit.
We were headed back to base in the Army lorry but, instead of going south, as was normal, we headed east until we arrived at the coast.
The east was a land of beautiful sandy beaches and wide blue sea. It was also a land where the lorry dropped us off and the officer, who had arrived shortly before we left, carried on, somewhere, with the driver.
We, of course, were not privy to the secret meanderings of the Officer-Class mind so we made ourselves comfortable on the smooth sand to wait until the Officer, and our truck, returned.

Perhaps an hour had passed before one of our group, an Army lad, mentioned to me that he was thirsty.
“This is a country that is heavily adorned—festooned, even, with food stalls where one can obtain all manner of sustenance including, no doubt, thirst quenching beverages. These stalls abound; we shall, even now, go in search of one such of these bountiful constructions so that you, poor sufferer, shall be able to soothe the constriction in your throat created by dehydration in extremis.” I told him.
“Huh?” he responded eloquently. Then, a slow smile spreading gradually over his bovine features, he burst into spontaneous eloquence, “Oh, buy one, you mean. Right.”
‘That,’ I thought, ‘seems to cover it.’
Leaving the kit with two of our party, the rest of us split up and walked up and down the road that ran parallel to the beach in search of succour.
Miles we walked. Miles and miles.
Nothing.
Eventually we all re-assembled at the beach and flopped down, exhausted.
“I’m even thirstier now,” our comrade moaned. Justifiably so, I believe.
Then I had what can only be rationalised as a brilliant idea. There are, of course, those amongst us who are thinkers and those who are doers. I classify myself as one of the former.
Having analysed the problem I was able, with consummate ease, to synthesise a solution. I do, on occasion, have to step back and admire myself for this ability.
I turned to our dry colleague and pointed upwards, “There,” I informed him, “Is the answer to your prayers. The manner in which you may slake your thirst.”
“Coconuts,” he spluttered. Hardly gratefully, it seemed to me, “How in God’s name do we get them down? You going to climb up there?”
I may have mentioned that I am a thinker and certainly not given to ape-like—or even monkey-like antics. I left that part of the team’s repertoire to those that wear the brown uniforms.
“So you want me to solve this dilemma for you,” I enquired, in a quite kindly manner, I felt.
“Yeah. Right!” he sneered.
Once again I put my masterful cerebrations to their task. I asked him, “Do you have any ‘Cordtex’ in your pack?”
“Think so,” he informed me.
“How jolly. Do give it to me,” I instructed him.
Firstly we must realise that ‘Cordtex’ is a type of detonating cord generally used in mining. It uses an explosive core of pentaerythritol tetranitrate, which is inside a plastic coating or a braided nylon ‘rope’. We were not there to do any mining and any requests for further information will be emphatically ignored!
Secondly, do you have any idea how huge a coconut tree trunk is? When you drool over photos of Mauritius and Curaçao that depict white, sandy beaches, blue seas and... coconut trees; do you ever pause to wonder how far around a coconut tree trunk is?
They are really big. Really big. It is, after all, only grass!!

We strung the ‘Cordtex’ around the trunk and applied a detonator. Remember (safety tip): a ten second detonator only lasts seven seconds!
Loud crack and down comes tree complete with cargo of coconuts. It was as if we had sliced the trunk through with a razor blade.
Success.
Now comes the problems!
We had all seen the locals use a parang (machete) to lop the sides from a coconut and then slash to the top off. Easy, no? Hah! We were hacking and sawing...
At which point a little brown fellow appears. He is, clearly, irate. He is jumping up and down and all but frothing at the mouth at us.
We just stood and observed him since we had no clue as to whatever it was that he was attempting to communicate to us.
Eventually a group of people appeared one of whom spoke some English.
It appeared that this little fellow owned the tree.
We tried to explain that it was on the beach and, therefore, a wild tree. Feral, even, you might say.
No good. It seems that all coconut trees are owned by someone irrespective of their location.
I did enquire as to where these people had come from since we had walked the length and breadth of the Kingdom and found nobody. Seemingly there was, about a hundred and fifty metres inland from the beach, a small village. Had we asked them for a drink...

The upshot was that he got lots and lots of compensation from the British military and I got a hefty fine for ‘unauthorised use of military ordnance’.

The military definitely do not like ‘thinkers’!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Sunshine




There’s always the sunshine.

Always.


The temperature outside the huge plexi-glas tunnel was eighty degrees centigrade; it was slowly rising as the planet left aphelion and headed inexorably towards perihelion.

Applett looked westwards at the stationary sun that forever hovered above the horizon. At this time of year it glinted off the sea that lay in the continental basin—a sea that, in a few months time, would be an arid desert.
He looked upwards at the cirrostratus clouds wisping their way to the east over the frozen rocks that lay the other side of the tunnels.
The tunnels formed six concentric rings that encircled the planet. The part of the ring that Applett looked towards in the west would see the sun perpetually low on the eastern horizon; the southern rings saw the sun always in the north and the reverse held true for the northern arc.
Facing the sun on the first ring were solar panels. They stood three metres from the ground and were twenty metres high by ninety metres wide. The power from the panels supplied all the rings with electricity and the outer rings that never saw the sun, with light and heat.
More heat came from geo-thermal vents in the crust at the northern and southern arcs. There was enough energy to grow fruit trees in the outer rings in spite of sub-zero temperatures the other side of the plexi-glas.

Under Applett’s feet was a vast chasm that grew steadily bigger over the eons as rain from the cold side gushed through to the hot side in thunderous torrents only to turn to instant vapour when it hit rocks at almost two hundred degrees centigrade at perihelion.
The vapour and steam rose as shimmering mist to be swirled into vortices created by the coriolus effect and then be torn away to rip into toroids before condensing out as towering cumulo-nimbus and then condensing again into sheeting rain.
The ice forming in winter cracked and chipped the rocks then the rain lashed the rocks into grazing monsters to gouge out the chasms under the rings on the eastern and western sides. The waste was dumped clear of the polished sides of the gorges into the central continental crater that was gradually filling and smoothing out. Smoothing out as the débris melted into glass each summer.
Each year the sea level rose ever so slightly so that now, in winter, it was getting perilously close to the foot of the plexi-glas walls.

The Representatives of the rings’ quadrants and sub-quadrants had twelve thousand miles to walk to the meeting point from the furthest sub-quadrant away. The meeting changed every year so that, over time, everybody would host the meeting and would, equally, not have to walk. The Representatives from the extreme side took three hundred days to walk to a meeting and another three hundred to walk back. Each sub-quadrant had two Representatives who took it in turn to attend the meetings. Each sub-quadrant was required to host the Representatives as they passed through their territory making sure they were well fed and rested for their next days travel.


Turning to face the representatives from the seven other sub-quadrants, Applett took a deep breath and invited comments from the floor.
Inevitably Ruther, from one of the Western arc sub-quadrants, rose, coughed politely, and enquired if anyone had any information on the technology required to build more plexi-glas rings.
“There is, you understand, a need for more space. Not just for people and we are, even now, increasing in numbers in spite of our efforts to convince people that more numbers places a heavy burden on our resources; but also for more horticulture. People have to eat.”
Borda stood up, “I agree. We need more space and more room for planting. It has to be behind the outer rings because we cannot block the inner rings’ solar panels. Besides, the heat would be against any construction work on the sun side.”
“I have been going over the logs from previous meetings covering the last four hundred years,” Tenneth spoke quietly but with great authority. He had represented the Northern arc for many years; he was, very likely, the longest serving Representative at the meeting, “Quite apart from the improbability, now, of finding out who built the rings and, more importantly, how they built them there arises a further problem that may, indeed, solve yours, Ruther and Borda.”
Applett had started to rise but now sat down and acceded to Tenneth who, in spite of custom, was about to exceed his traditional two sentence limit.
Tenneth sat down and motioned for Applett to make his statement.
“I, too, have been looking at the records and find that the erosion of the chasms under the eastern arc is growing to the point that, in, maybe, three hundred years, the arc will not be supported at all. We are uncertain if the rest of the rings will be able to hold up the eastern arcs.”
Tenneth rose and nodded agreement at Applett, “In one hundred and fifty years minimum to, maybe, two hundred years maximum, the plexi-glas will melt. The temperature at perihelion is rising steadily annually to the point where, at the time span indicated previously, life on this planet will become untenable.”
He sat down, tucking his robe under him neatly and waited patiently for someone else to speak.
Nobody stood. A stunned silence fell like a cold blanket over the room. Applett looked around and stood.
“In like manner to everyone else, I am appalled by this—are you certain of your facts, Tenneth? Are you sure the plexi-glas will melt?”
“I have measured the resistance to movement of the plexi-glas between winter and summer. It is much softer with an external temperature of close to two hundred degrees. The degree of softness is measurable over the last several years to indicate that it is approaching melting point,” he looked around, “I apologise for the extension of speech.”
“There is no need to apologise, my friend,” Bithèra inclined his head to Tenneth, “It is highly probable that I, too, shall go over the accepted limit,” he chuckled softly and sat down.
“What is it that you wish to say, Bithèra?” Ruther asked with the look of one who is close to panic.
Applett stood, “Your problems do, indeed, appear to have been solved, Ruther and Borda. Speak up, Bithèra, and do not fear to extend your speech. Now is, maybe, not the time for clipped explanations.”
There were general nods of agreement. Bithèra got to his feet, stumbling a little as he became caught up in his robe. He smiled broadly at the assembly.
“Well, my seven friends. It shall be as you wish. The Representatives from the western arcs have, repetitively, asked about the technology for building the rings. There is, I believe, a deeper question that has never been addressed. We are comfortable with several terms of measurement but we do not know from whence they came. What is a ‘degree centigrade’? What is a ‘metre’? Where did these units originate? There is an old legend that there were, once upon a time, other creatures than humans here—they were called ‘animals’. Our ancestors ate them, seemingly. But, over time, these animals grew sick and died because we had no technology for treating their diseases. Even now our own diseases are untreatable for the large part. We put our faith in herbal remedies and trust to luck. The point is—where did they come from and why did they get sick and die. This leads me to the main point. Where did we come from? Why can we not go back there? The threat that we live under is not for us nor for our children but, perhaps their children. It becomes our responsibility, having recognised the threat, to try to do something about it,” he sat down.
Once more there was a stunned silence.
Borda got to his feet, “That gets us nowhere, Bithèra. How does that help?” he sat heavily.
Bithèra dragged himself upright again, “We know nothing of where we live. We know of nothing other than day-to-day existence. Applett has been outside through the western airlock into the ice regions. He found nothing, as I recall, but scoured rock and ice. I have also, recently, been outside the southern rings and found nothing but what Applett saw. However, on the plexi-glas—outside the ring, is a large sign measuring three metres high by two metres wide. It says ‘Danger. Jet Blast’. Does anybody know what it means?”
There was a general shaking of heads.
Dunner was the junior member of the group. He was from one of the two northern arcs.
“There is an airlock between our north-eastern sub-quadrant and Jurétar’s north-western arc. Perhaps we should go and look to see if we have any signs. There is a large red box by the airlock that nobody has accessed. Should we see if we can force it open and see what is in it?”
Applett spoke up, “Desperate times call for desperate measures. Open it. See what is there. Perhaps there is a device that will explode the planet and seal our doom quickly rather than be boiled alive.”


Everyone had gone home. Ruther and Borda had the farthest to go, to the western arcs. They would not be home for ten months. Applett considered this. Tenneth had been right. How did we come to measure months—days even. Every arc had a master clock that ticked off time in minutes, hours, days, weeks and months; it reset every time the planet reached aphelion. ‘How odd’, he thought ‘that they had no record of years on the clock. Only their own records that they kept at their own whim.’
He strode back towards the rear rings and wondered, again, why the lights turned off every twelve hours for twelve hours and why did they call this ‘night’? An hour later he reached his lodgings, kissed his wife and slept for an age.


Jurétar made good time. Just under four and a half months from the centre of the eastern quadrants to the centre of the northern quadrants. He felt that he was on a mission and strode out with Dunner, young but not so fit, struggling to keep up. Throughout the journey Dunner had maintained that, since he was the one to mention it, he should be the one to try and open the box. Jurétar agreed but said that they should, being co-Representatives of the northern arcs, do it together so that, if anything untoward happened, there would be a witness and a back up. Dunner said that his Dad would come with them if Jurétar had a deputy that would come as well.

By the time they reached the box they had formulated a working plan that, essentially, meant that they would play the whole thing by ear since neither of them had a clue what was going to happen or what the box was—much less what it did.
Both of them surveyed the box with increasing misgivings. There was no clue as to how it could be opened apart, perhaps, from a small hole in one side—too small to insert a finger.
Dunner’s father arrived and looked at the box, “Aye, I’ve seen the hole. I’ve been here many a time to look at the box and wonder what it does. Nobody knows. There are no markings anywhere on it that will give an indication and my friend and I have been over it thoroughly.
Jurétar had been examining the hole, “There is something inside the hole. I can’t see what it is but it looks like a small metallic bar. Perhaps if we could get something to push that it might release a catch somewhere else?”
The other two looked doubtful. They looked at each other with obvious misgivings but, eventually, Dunner said he would go and look for something that might fit inside.

The Father and Jurétar sat and waited. They talked about nothing in particular for half an hour before Dunner re-appeared with a thin metal spike with a handle at one end and a flattened piece at the other end.
“What is that?” his Dad asked.
“I don’t know,” Dunner said, scratching his head, “It has been lying in my room ever since I found it outside the airlock when I was a small boy. My friends and I used to dare each other about who would go outside and then who would stay out there the longest.”
He gave it to Jurétar who gave a tentative poke into the hole, “I can feel the bar. I shall try to.... uh?”
There was quite a loud, metallic, ‘click’ followed by a sigh of some fluid in motion. The whole box moved slowly upwards to reveal a large panel covered in buttons and switches. Some of them were fairly obvious. They were isolation switches for the solar panels as indicated by their position on the graphic display. Others were lighting switches yet still more seemed to be temperature controllers.
“Does this mean we can control the temperature inside the rings?” Dunner asked.
“It seems so, Son. I suppose we shouldn’t play with anything until we get a clearer understanding of what it all does.”
“This block of switches seems to be some sort of communication system. But to whom I know not,” Jurétar chipped in, “I think we need someone like Applett here—he has studied reading and writing intensively for years. We are just fumbling around—we could do damage playing around just like your Dad says, Dunner.”
“This switch, at the edge, says ‘closed’, I think,” Dunner said


Almost a year passed.

Applett stood before the box and jumped in surprise when it slid smoothly upwards to reveal the panel. He looked at the others and then bent forward to scrutinise the writing on the board.
“It is, as you say, a maintenance panel. These switches are all there to isolate the various lighting and timing functions as well as the solar panels in the event that they require servicing,” he made a motion with his hand to include a section of the panel, “These switches and dials are all for testing the equipment but these,” he made another, smaller, sweep with his hand, “Are all communication devices.”
He stepped back to take a more general view and collect his thoughts. He was quite shaken at this discovery. The box had been there for countless generations and yet nobody had thought to examine it or question its existence. It was always just ‘there’.
“With whom are we to communicate?” Applett thought out loud. This was all too much. There were more questions than answers. Is it just internal communication between the rings or....” he let the last question hang while he thought some more and moved back towards the box.
Some of the writing on the knobs and switches meant very little or, on some of them, nothing to him. ‘Frequencies’, ‘Pulse Rate’, ‘X/Y Function’ were all mysteries.
“Oh, well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” he said aloud. He found a switch that said ‘Ext. Comms ON’, moved it downwards and was greeted with a sibilant hiss from a grill-like object near the top of the communications panel. Everyone else took a step back in surprise.
Applett breathed deeply and pressed a button that said ‘Transmit’; he spoke into the grill wondering if that was the right thing to do.
“Hello? Is anybody there?”
The hissing continued unchanged. They all looked at each other with some disappointment not knowing what they had been expecting.
He reached towards the switch, intending to turn it to ‘OFF’ when a voice came from the grill.
“This is Three-Niner Bravo DX. Pass your message, over.”
Their eyes all registered shock, they were all frozen in disbelief. Applett shook himself and spoke again.
“Our planet is doomed. We have little time. Are you able to help us?”
There was another period of hissing before the voice spoke again.
“Your frequency, direction and response time indicates that you are calling from Four-Six Delta CK. Please confirm data and message content, over.”
“Oh, yes. We are definitely.... um.... Four-Six Delta .... er.... CK. Our planet is about to be destroyed—we are in need of help. Um.... over?”
Several more minutes of hissing, “Four-Six Delta CK. Your message content is noted and stored for subsequent retrieval. This is Automatic Data Concentration Unit Three-Niner Bravo DX confirming your data is stored awaiting relocation to Two-Seven Kilo FB for analysis and registration. Stand-by for further instructions. Three-Niner Bravo DX listening. Out.”


They organised shifts to listen for the instructions. The box was never left alone—not for an instant was it unattended.
Sometimes they would call but there was no further response.

One hundred and forty eight years later the plexi-glas melted and the sunlight poured in.

There is always the sunshine.

Always.

Monday, February 4, 2013

King Kong, Fay Wray and Howard the Duck




I am often bemused. Bemusement seems to hover around the edges of my life like a constantly active ethereal being.
Idea sprites live in my head—with the voices, but bemusement comes from without.

Take the idea of King Kong, for example.
King Kong was huge. Monumental, even. He was incredibly hairy and he was also, if I might be forgiven for brushing against racism here, an ape.
On the other hand Howard was indubitably a Duck. Not to put too fine a point on it Howard was also an alien duck.
What do these two characters, and there are no doubt many more that could be found, have in common?
They were both in love with a female. A human female. King Kong, in two of his many guises in sundry remakes, fell for Fay Wray and Naomi Watts in 1933 and 2005 respectively (Jessica Lange and Jodi Benson were the other two, by the way, in 1976 and 1998).
Happily, there were never any remakes about Howard the Duck who was, in spite of being grumpy and arrogant, head over webbed feet with Beverly Switzer (played by Lea Thompson who also appeared in the ‘Back to the Future’ series with the redoubtable Michael J Fox and the magnificent Christopher Lloyd).

There is something I find unsavoury about both these films. The idea that a creature from another species, even another planet, should find a human female appealing is, somehow, odd—at best.
I can find nothing to wet my sensual appetites about a Chimpanzee—no matter how many times some intellectual protagonist of Darwinism tells me that we are closely related. An Iguana is even more repulsive on the scale of ‘love items’.

I am painfully aware that there are those who satisfy their perverted lusts with animals. Shepherds spring instantly to mind in this respect although I am certain that most Shepherds are completely innocent and only regard members of their flock as an ingredient in a tasty pie. Even if they do tell me that sheep have such soft lips.

What is it that makes storytellers cross the genetic boundaries into this kind of fetishism? What is it that induces publishers and filmmakers to promote this idea into a product that will be globally distributed as entertainment?

So the tale goes on. Speaking of tails. Mermaids.
Why does someone who is half a fish fascinate us? We are led to believe that someone who is, from the waist, or hips, down is Cod but is also immensely desirable. Agreed that the top half is often depicted as something that is not only attractive but also glamorous—what are you going to do with it? Take it home and fry up a pan of chips? You do get my point, don’t you?
Very well, I’ll put it plain and simple just in case you are not quite following me here.
How do mermaids breed?
I’ll leave it at that?

There is also a note meandering around the Internet, primarily on ‘Facebook’ that covers a thought I had when at Sunday school and was discovering all sorts of new things about the World. These were, not unnaturally, mainly things to do with girls.
The Vicar told us that Adam and Eve had two sons. One of those sons was killed by the other one and that, as a consequence, we are all descended from them
Two sons, eh? Good. And one of those sons is a murderer. Hmm.

Must get my Bible out and see if there were any alien ducks around...

Magpies and Secrets




In this context we are not referring to the ‘Magpies’ of Newcastle United soccer team, who are also known as the ‘Barcodes’ and ‘Eintracht Neuschloss’, but rather to the real wings, feathers and beaks of real birds.
Magpies appear in a children’s chant:
“One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for a girl
Four for a boy
Five for silver
Six for gold
Seven for a secret never to be told.”

Magpies, like several of the ‘Crow’ (Corvidae) family, have a penchant for bright shiny things. They steal them and put them in their nests as, presumably, decoration.
Many years ago I was informed that one of my Uncles had ‘lost his marbles’; I suggested that we might look in the nearest Magpie’s nest. I was subsequently treated to looks that could only be described as ‘pitying’.

Why should a secret never be told? Because, once told, it is no longer a secret.
As soon as you tell something to your absolute best friend, with whom you would entrust your life, it is no longer a secret.
Imagine this conversation:
“Promise me that you won’t breathe a word of this to Aunty Doris, Aunty Emily.”
“Of course I won’t, Deary.”
Later:
“Aunty Doris knows all about it! You promised me that you would never tell her!”
“I never did. Not a word.”
“Who did you tell?”
“Aunt Edith, of course. She had to know.”
“Did you tell her not to tell Aunty Doris?”
“Well... er... not exactly...”
So the secret is no more.

It is precisely for this reason that, for me, most conspiracy theories fall down a hole of their own making.
The biggest one is the ‘Roswell’ incident.
How is it possible that so many people have been involved with this site over so many years and yet nothing of any consequence has leaked out?
Stories, yes. Proof? No. Impossible, somebody, somewhere, somehow would have told ‘Aunty Emily’ and even, to prove lack of madness, given something substantial as proof positive.

I view soothsayers and mediums in the same box. How wonderful it would be if a medium contacted Uncle Ted on your behalf and, rather than tell us how blissful he is on the ‘other side’, he told us where the key to his treasure box is. Let’s get hold of Captain Morgan to find out where his buried treasure is. We might even speak to Einstein to get clarification of certain aspects of his theories now that he had knowledge, apparently, of everything.
No. They never tell you anything useful, do they? It is all honey-coated nonsense to soothe the soul with no nutty core.

The same holds for most of these other theories that abound on the Internet. ‘Facebook’ is full of hoaxes, rumours and false allegations; many of them set out to prove some sort of point or belief but many of them are just ‘shared’ or ‘reposted’ out of ignorance.
We have shifted from passing on specious e-mails to propagating false ‘Facebook’ posts.

I have already, on another ‘Blog’, given my views on alien visitation so I shall not bore you with a repeat of that opinion.

What is it that we get out of a ‘Conspiracy Theory’? Why is it that we need to condemn any particular government for spreading falsehoods? How much is Hollywood to blame for inflicting the phrase ‘plausible deniability’ on us so frequently in so many films?
How is it that we are all so eager to soak up the idea that ‘things are being hidden from us’ that we demand transparency? Are we really threatened by these ideas? Is the Government really ‘out to get us’?
I don’t think so. Paranoia is catching, we are at the mercy of it no matter how guarded we are. Somewhere, out there, there is a theory that will grab you, stop you and make you think.
Perhaps it is because you have a mental image that you wish to preserve; a belief or faith that you follow and do not want to see desecrated.
It will get you.
But remember, once it is out there in plain sight it is no longer a secret. If it is not out there then it is still a secret so how did you come to know of it?
Because a friend of a friend knows...

I’m with the Magpies. The feathered ones.
I shall stick to collecting shiny objects to ‘feather’ my nest.

I, personally, favour large denomination currency but a mug of tea will also do very nicely, thank you.