Aliens and Hamsters

I have a theory.

Well, OK. I have lots of theories.

Many of my theories seem to be scoffed at by some people who are blind to the obvious logic behind these theories.

Let's start with this theory:

It would seem to me that all the people of the World have brown eyes and black hair.

All.

This is irrespective of geographical location or climate. Eskimos and Africans, Asians and Indians from South America, Red Indians and Southern Europeans, Arabs and...

Well. You get the picture.

Except people from North Western Europe.

Do not tell me about Australians and Americans and so on. They emigrated from North Western Europe.

 There are no exceptions. None.

Now tell me about genetic ‘sports’ and deviations from the genetic ‘norm’ and I will tell you that this group is far too big to have developed a gene trait like blonde hair and blue eyes all on its own. A small village might but an entire sub-continent almost?

No. I don’t believe this is some sort of genetic malpractice by Mother Nature.

So my theory is that, in the same way that the British used Australia as a distant (but, evidently, not distant enough!) penal colony and the French adopted Devil’s Island for the same purpose, the North West of Europe was colonised for the same purpose.

That is why they have a different religion to everyone else. That is why they speak of Valhalla and the Nordic Gods in the way that they do.

Because they are aliens.

In the far distant past, some alien race from some equally distant star system found Earth. We were primitive; we were socially uncivilised (nothing changes, does it?); we were insular in our ways—overprotective of our hunting and gathering territories.

Earth people were easy to shift. The Neanderthals were also easy to shift. They and the early Hominids were no match for the aliens and their advanced weapons and defensive tactics even though the Neanderthals and the Hominids banded together. It was a lost cause. These big, blue-eyed, blonde people took over the cold, windswept lands of the North and made them home.

Until, using their advanced knowledge of stars and navigation, they found North America, they raided Britain, they settled in Northern France where they became, some of them, the Normans and successfully invaded Britain once more.

Some wanderers were captured by ancient Earth races and so the Phoenicians learned the secret of the stars as did the Egyptians and the Romans. Yet Europeans waited until Galileo to be told the truth about even our local solar system.

But the Northerners knew.

Because they are aliens.

I have another theory:

Some of my friends go to the gymnasium. They exercise. I do not. I am a lost cause—to them and their ideas.

They plan to be fit and healthy and thus enjoy life to the full.

I, also, enjoy life to the full and yet fit I am not. Healthy? Well, more or less.

Why do I not go to the gymnasium and join in with all those lithe young ladies covered in sweat and little else? The temptation is there for certain!

Heartbeats.

It is my theory that every living thing that has a heart has the same number of heartbeats. Once you achieve that limit your heart stops. It runs out of beats.

By giving in to the temptation of vigorous exercise you use up your heartbeats faster and thus die sooner.

Consider:

Hamsters live for two years. They are always ‘on the go’. They chew at the bars and they run like demons around their wheels to go nowhere.

My contention is that if you could get a hamster to relax and take life easy it would live for four years.

Why do hamsters live for two years? Because they, like humming birds, have a rapid heart rate. Elephant’s hearts beat at about the same rate as ours and so they live for? Yes, you guessed it, about seventy years.

Giant tortoises hearts beat at the rate of once every one and a half years and so they live for... what... ever, probably.

Be warned. Exercise at your peril.

We aliens are watching you!