Me and Jim Should of Got They're First

“Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?”

Kurt Vonnegut said that.

He also said, “Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.”

Kurt Vonnegut was a great writer and a great storyteller. We mourn his passing as we also mourn the likes of Isaac Asimov, Arthur C Clarke, Jules Verne, H.G.Wells and many, many others.

But, just sometimes, he trips over himself. Like the time he said, “All those who believe in telekinesis raise my right hand.”

Funny, yes. But not quite accurate. Those who believe in Jesus are, generally (I am told), unable to perform miracles. There are people who believe in nuclear power but they are unable to control atoms.

The phrase ‘transvestite hermaphrodites’ caught my attention, too—as, no doubt, it did yours. Love those word bites, do we not?

We understand that a ‘hermaphrodite’ is a creature, including humans, who possess the genitalia of both sexes. It is suspected (among certain people) that the ‘Virgin Queen’, Elizabeth I, was a hermaphrodite. We shall, perhaps, never know for sure.

One does wonder, though, if a hermaphrodite can be a ‘transvestite’? Golfers change clothes to go to do their thing without anybody’s eyebrows being raised because they change from male’s normal clothes to male’s strange clothes. They are adjusting to a different social or working theatre.

But if you are a hermaphrodite you would be merely changing from your male persona to your female persona. This would be entirely natural were it not for the attention given to it by a society that is steeped in bias. Even Queen Elizabeth I kept her persona constant—as far as we know.

So it is with semicolons. They were conceived, as with all other punctuation marks, for a purpose. You may, if you wish, do without them. That is your prerogative.

According to the posts on the social media many people do without punctuation of any kind. Of course, this turns their comments, by and large, into gibberish but, then, many people speak fluent gibber.

There are lots of rules that are claimed by ‘experts’ to be the ‘way to go’ in creative writing. Not unnaturally the rules for writing official documents, essays and learned papers are somewhat different—they are more, necessarily, precise.

For fiction these rules need not be adhered to quite so much.

I shall give you a couple of examples:

Never use ‘very’.

Well, fair enough on this one. Unless you use it within a dialogue there is really no need for it. There are lots of words out there that will substitute nicely for it.

“He was very tired” becomes “He was exhausted (or drained, wilting).”

I am fond of, “I am a husk.”

“Their destination was a very long way” becomes “The distance to their destination seemed interminable.”

‘Very’ is a poor descriptor for an adjective. Best left alone in the text.

What about ‘never use an adverb’?

This is a bit strong. Adverbs are fine if they are used correctly.

“He looked at her haughtily.”

She obviously has an attractive ‘haughtily’. Not sure what that is; perhaps it is another word for cleavage.

Along similar lines, “He gave her a haughty look,” would make a nice present for anyone—providing that it was nicely wrapped.

It is possible that it is not the words—or types of words, that you use that are the problem. It is more likely to be the syntax or the way that the words are grouped or arranged.

Example: “His eyes ran up and down her body,” then they returned to his head, presumably.

Certain rules are certainly there for a reason. Usually because they make the sentences clumsy or they lack grammatical sense.

Never end a sentence on a preposition

“For” is very popular in this regard. Why? Because the word ‘for’ has so many uses. Let’s look at what ‘Wiktionary can tell us about it:

Towards.

         The astronauts headed for the moon.

Directed at, intended to belong to.

         I have something for you.

Supporting (opposite of against).

         All those for the motion raise your hands.

Because of.

         He wouldn't apologize; and just for that, she refused to help him.

         (UK usage) He looks better for having lost weight.


Over a period of time.

         They fought for days over a silly pencil.


On behalf of.

         I will stand in for him.


To obtain.

         I am aiming for completion by end of business Thursday.

         He's going for his doctorate.

         Do you want to go for coffee?

         People all over Greece looked to Delphi for answers.

         Can you go to the store for some eggs?

         I'm saving up for a car.

         Don't wait for an answer.

         What did he ask you for?


In the direction of: marks a point one is going toward.

         Run for the hills!

         He was headed for the door when he remembered.


By the standards of, usually with the implication of those standards being lower than one might otherwise expect.

         Fair for its day.

         She's spry for an old lady.


Despite, in spite of.

Used to indicate the subject of a to-infinitive.

         For that to happen now is incredibly unlikely. (=It is          incredibly unlikely that that will happen now.)

       All I want is for you to be happy. (=All I want is that you be happy.)


(chiefly US) Out of; used to indicate a fraction, a ratio.

         In term of base hits, Jones was three for four on the day


(cricket) used as part of a score to indicate the number of wickets that have fallen.

                                     At close of play, England were 305 for 3.

                  Finally (grammar) A phrase, consisting of a verb and either or both of a preposition or adverb, that has idiomatic meaning (phrasal verb):

            For crying out loud!

            For heaven’s sake?

Difficult, isn’t it, to keep all this in your mind while you are writing a story? At the same time trying to keep basic grammar in your head and not commit terrible sins such as:

“Me and Mary went to the cinema.”

‘Me’ is object while ‘I’ is subject so, “Mary and I went to the cinema.”

It’s easy to sort out; just delete ‘Mary’ (temporarily) and see if your sentence still makes sense. Clearly, “Me went to the cinema,” is non-sense. If the sentence can convert into ‘we’ then it will be ‘Mary and I’ but if it is ‘us’ then it is ‘Mary and me’.

There are other pitfalls easily fallen into by the unwary:

‘Their, there, they’re’ are common as is ‘two, to, too’ and ‘loose and lose’ but the most common are ‘your and you’re’, ‘should of’ instead of ‘should have’ or ‘should’ve’ and ‘more better’ when just ‘better is enough.

And never start a sentence with ‘and’.