Correspondence

Examine the photograph carefully:

This is Me

Many of you will recognise this picture as being a self-portrait. All of you will observe that I am distinguished, elegantly hirsute and incredibly handsome.

You will also note that I do not look, oddly enough, anything like an employment agency.

This leaves me to wonder why I am in receipt of a number of ‘Personal Messages’ and e-mails who ask me to find the sender gainful employment here in Malaysia.

One e-mail in particular left me somewhat agog when he prefaced the message with the greeting, “Hey Dude”!

We shall ignore the missing comma that lays a blight on his educational level and move on to the ‘Dude’ part.

I am insufficiently au fait with the lingua franca of electronic social media to fully understand what this ‘Dude’ might mean but, apart from that, he is begging a favour from me that I now feel fully entitled to ignore. This gratuitous familiarity from some person who is a complete stranger to me renders his request invalid.

These messages come in to me at the rate of about two or three a month. Hardly a flood but they are still an inconvenience. Most of them come from the sub-continent for some inexplicable reason.

The other factor that you will see from my photograph is that I have the facial characteristics of one who is unwilling to respond to requests from people who are employed by a major bank in the United Kingdom and yet whose English skills are somewhat limited.

The root of these messages, as well you will know from your own experiences, is that there are trillions of US Dollars whose distribution to yours truly is held up by red tape that can be cut through with consummate ease if only I should send them an inconsequential amount.

If they advertised their wares in pounds sterling the temptation would be increased but not, sadly for them, to the point where I may actually place money in their sweaty palm.

One wonders why they do not just deduct the cost from the principle and forward me the balance.

The third, and final, you will be pleased to note, category, is the young ladies who ‘Friend’ me on ‘Facebook’ and attempt to get into a ‘Personal Message’ conversation. 

I dislike this. There are certain people with whom I am happy to ‘chat’ but not strangers.

These are strangers.

Furthermore, after a few lines of conversation telling me how trustworthy they are they reveal that they are employed by one Mark Zuckerberg who wishes to give me money.

I am, you may have guessed, not a ‘Friend’ of this Mr. Zuckerberg and thus I am immediately deeply suspicious of why he is inclined to share his undoubted wealth with me.

These women, if they are actually women – who can tell? Are remarkably persistent.

And remarkably unsuccessful. See photo (above).